Thursday, October 31, 2013

Long confused day and the two drunk girls

I was wrapping up my move to the new apartment by putting some last boxes inside my car.  When I saw this girl running out I thought she might need help.  So I asked her whether there is some help she needs from me.  She blabbered quite a lot of things through which I connected the dots and understood that "she was locked out of her apartment".  Later when her friend came down, I realized that both of them doesn't live here but their friend does, who apparently passed out in her apartment leaving the doors locked.  I was told that she buzzed them in but didn't open the door (a good friend indeed).  The magic of alcohol.   I helped out both the girls by letting them inside my apartment so that they can charge their dead cellphones.  At 1:45 AM after quite a lot of blabbering and a couple of calls to 911, they finally left my apartment.  I really feel sorry for the 911 call center because they have to deal with such careless drunkards who end up in situations like this.

I am moving my things since morning but this place just doesn't seem to clear up. Multiple trips and I have moved most of my things and a final clean-up which I can hopefully complete tomorrow morning.  My sleep was cut short by the number of calls since morning. I don't know who is pulling these strings but when I am not working, everything goes insane.  Since I wanted to focus on completing this move, I continued with my activities.  I was bit mad at the new apartment office since they earlier rejected my request to move things over weekend instead countered it by some pro-rated offer which baffled me.  I was adamant not to pay the extra amount and proceeded to take up the single day plan which took a toll on me. Even though I am the so called "Pluviophile", I hate rain for spoiling plan for the day and my bed/couch got slightly wet which I hope gets dried up tonight since I left it with no plans for overnight usage. With Nizam's help, I somehow managed to move the bigger things like bed and my couch.  Thanks to him and Sharmin for giving me a delicious dinner.  I will definitely miss you both and all the great food that you prepared over the past few months.

 So many good memories at this place and it hurts to leave with all that in mind. I had some of my happiest moments and conversations with her in this very apartment.  But time to move on to the next apartment, hopefully she will be back to brighten that place as well.  It's been a week since I spoke to her, a week.. I just keep asking myself so many questions - did I do something wrong?  did I do something which she didn't expect me to do?  I want to talk to her and yesterday I almost bought a flight ticket to go see her.  I still miss her so badly and the love haven't gone down a bit.  I hope to get another chance to be with her, another chance to hug her, another chance to make her smile, another chance to listen to her stories, another chance... another chance to regain what was snatched away.

I am so tempted to pick up my phone to text/call or to email her.  But a big piece inside me wants me to respect her decision and plan.  If this separation gives anything positive to her, then let it be.

I am still searching for my sleep and waiting for that magical hug. for how long?  I don't know....

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Dear sleep, where have you gone?

"So Sgt. Pepper took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother's eyes
Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head
Ah, how do you sleep?
Ah, how do you sleep at night?
" - John Lennon

Sleep seems to be the most difficult thing to achieve over the last one week along with all my other struggles.  A confused & disturbed mind along with lack of sleep seems to be the last thing I need when I have so much going on at my work.  But irrespective of my attempts, I am unable to get any sleep until early morning hours.  I tried getting to bed early yesterday but after rolling around for close to 4 hours, I finally slept only after 4 AM.  So many thoughts, a lot of emotions seems to pile upon me when I am in the bed.  I wrote another email but decided not to send it.  That decision to send it or not to send it, is causing so much of distress inside me.  I am jealous of the entire world that sleeps around me and I am sitting here listening to songs, watching the drizzle for the past few hours. I still believe that I will get another chance because life is beautiful for the optimistic ones.  I always gave her the best of what I have inside me, strived to bring the best laugh out of her through all possible ways. 

Time to make another attempt at sleep for the night.  Tomorrow is a big day, moving out of Louisiana Oaks to another cave!

P.S.  I miss you so badly!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Airport, little bit of love and the "very very special one"

 A motorcycle ride at 120 kmph to the airport, you reach the gate but what will KF airlines say to you, "sorry, we can't let you onboard because you are late". What will you do?? I don't know what you would have done.  It depends on many things including the purpose of your trip, urgency, financial status or in extreme cases "How crazy you are?".  When KF crew said "NO", I begged to them with no luck, so I smiled at them and went to the adjacent Spicejet counter.  Bought a ticket to the same destination, for an amount which was more than 4 times the original price of KF ticket, an amount at that time was more than half of my monthly salary. Why?  To keep a promise, to be present for a special birthday. Out of pure love? maybe.  For me, a promise is always a promise.  Whether it is my family or my close friends, I only make those which I can achieve, which I can at least get to, even if it means stretching myself a bit.

So this is how the story began - before I went to sleep the previous night, I noticed that "wherever you go our network follows" network suddenly went out of range.  Since my cell phone time was in sync with network, I was afraid of the worst and it happened.  Airport taxi came to pick me up, he called my phone with no success and I kept sleeping like a king until my roommate pulled me out of bed (I don't know what you want to call a mat with a pillow and bed sheet on top of it).  At first, I was surprised to see him and asked "what is wrong with you" until the word airport came out of his mouth. I scrambled myself, wearing the first underwear that I found, one of the fastest packing ever (the first of the many last minute packing that I did in later years) and begged my roommate to drop me at the airport which ended up in the aforesaid story.  Anil did risk both our lives by hitting those speeds.  But he wins the "Best friend ever" tag for that epic ride with me.

Then I bought a ticket to visit the "special one" again, this time from US to India, to decide on a future, to decide what is next.  But this time, after couple of months, "special one" told me that she has decided to succumb to parents pressure to marry someone from her religion.  so religion which always talks about the importance of love in every sentence, killed that love.  Religion won, Love lost!  A relationship which went like a roller coaster ride came to an end.  A relationship which involved multiple switch between cities for her, flight/train rides for both of us and a lot of confusion created due to her mother's fight with breast cancer (which I believe they used at some point of time, along with numerous other factors, to blackmail their daughter out of the relationship). I am pretty sure she has her own excuses and reasons for why this whole thing didn't work out but somehow I found all those topics difficult to digest since it came down to religion (or in extreme cases, family sentiments) most of the time.  Given the big pure heart she always had and the unbelievable support which she gave throughout, I wish "special one" good luck and an amazing life ahead (hopefully she got married to the "Salman Khan" that she always dreamed about).  Two months later, I set out for my amazing vacation trip to India which I will remember forever because by that time I fell in love again, but this time with a "very very special one"..

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Halloween Costume party and the good decisions

After much thought I decided to accept Mike's invitation for a costume party at his place.  I felt it was the right decision to go out (rather than sitting alone at home) and see people dressed up in crazy costumes. Mike's house was dominated by people with Mario Kart related costumes. Though unrelated I had an Afro and a glass.  Last two nights when I wore this Afro, most of the guys gave a thumbs up, showed signs that it was really cool whereas girls wanted to either touch it or wanted to know whether it is "real".  Someone used the "n-word" which was bit annoying.  Even though I am not black, I think it is pretty "dumb" and "out of class" to use that word in the present world.   I had some really good conversations with many people. Initial plan was to get drunk and I started it by gulping 3 cans of Grainbelt but decided not to take it any further. Driving down some drunk guys to downtown and back was fun because what comes out of a drunk mouth is pure gold.

Downtown bar scene was hilarious - Lot of Mario Kart, minions, lot of punk/rock bands from the past and numerous other costumes filled the bar.  Most of the bigger costumes struggled to find their way around the bar. Walked up to the counter and instead of ordering beer, I decided to get some water.  Hopefully my first step towards something very good. I did see a disturbing sight inside the bathroom. A guy was urinating into a beer bottle hoping someone will take and drink it thinking it is a beer.  Another guy dressed up like a marine said it was not right for him to do something ridiculous like that and I supported the "marine" guy.  Finally he admitted that it was wrong of him to do that though he was drunk and had ADD issues.  Good thing, he emptied the bottle of urine and walked out saying "Sorry".  Later the "marine" told me that he also suffers from ADD.  I thanked him for standing up against the drunk guy and saving some random person from the horrendous experience of drinking urine.  I still believe alcohol shouldn't be an excuse for doing things which will bring hardships to others around you.  Though my childhood decision was to stay away from drinking and smoking, I ended up taking my first drink 8 years back.  I intent to get out of this ongoing circle of activities and try something new, a good way to test my patience and my will power.  Whether I achieve my goals is something only time will prove.

I have drastically decreased my intake of fast "JUNK" food and I feel pretty refreshed.  Hopefully all this is a pointer for a bright time ahead and a small step towards getting that light back inside me.

Changes - they don't wait for your permission, they just happens

While going through the drafts, I found out this excerpt which I wrote few weeks back.

"It's an absolute bliss to feel silly about what you are thinking - well, that's me for the past few weeks. Am I happy about it?? 150%. There are few things which I thought will happen only once in a lifetime.  I am not sure where this is going and how it is going to end, but I am going to close my eyes and enjoy every moment because I want it to be etched in my memories for a very long time! If you go back in time and ask that young lean kid from Kochi what future has in stock for him - you would have got "nothing" for an answer, he never dreamed of a future like this.  Given the opportunity to visit a lot of places, make hundreds of friends all along the way there is nothing to regret about and if I am given an opportunity to go back, I would love to live my life the exact same way!"

Apparently everything is changing around me since my birthday.  The same things which always brought smile to my face moved away from me.  My smile and happiness as well.  Now I smile because the world wants me to.  Hopefully moving to a new apartment will bring an end to the changes happening around me. This place, Louisiana Oaks, brings back a lot of good memories about my stay in US.  Only good things happened here whether it was apartment 400 or 315, some personal moments which you will carry till the end of your life.   Since I came down to US I had some amazing roommates, met Ryan Shaughnessy & Mark Metaxas and all the good people that I met through them.  All the gym related tips from my gym buddy Shaun did help me stay fit though I have a long way to go to achieve my fitness goals. Maybe a change of lifestyle helps and I want to definitely work towards that.  I am leaving my sadness and worries behind when I move to the new place. This might be the jump start I am looking for, a change of scene, a scene that currently defines happiness for me.  Fingers crossed!

"Where do we go nobody knows?
Don't even say you're on your way down, (when)
God gave you style and gave you grace
And put a smile upon your face" - Coldplay

Saturday, October 26, 2013

night and the poet

"I feel these things
close to me,
yet I can't find them.
I can't hear the words
that whispered from your lips,
the touch that made me shiver
in the summer heat,
Elusive
are all these things,
for elusive are you"  - an excerpt from the poem Elusive by Vernon C Patterson..

When me and my friend David met Mr. Patterson on the street today, he asked us whether we want to listen to some of his poetry.  After a good conversation which involved his poems, personal life, KC Chiefs football team etc I decided to buy a small booklet of poems from Mr. Patterson.  He sounded like a person who had way too many dreams during his younger days and somehow he failed to achieve that.  It is always inspiring to see someone on the streets who overcame a struggle at some point of his life, in his case drug addiction.  Glad that he overcame his issues and leading a clean life now. I truly wish him the very best as he sounded like a very genuine and honest person.  His scribblings are fun to read through, now that I know why he wrote them in the first place.

Mr.  Patterson brings in front of me the importance of "present", what I want to do right now, what my priorities should be.   I dont want to be at his age thinking about what  I could have achieved if
I had taken care of my present.. I think I am doing pretty good at this time even though my favorite option was always to remain patient, calm because whenever I stayed that way best things happened to me.

I'm blessed to have friends like David who took the time to ask about my well being and showing all the patience to listen to what I had in mind.  I think it is always helpful to have an open discussion with someone about topics which you always keep to yourself.  After watching all the antics of drunk on the street after Figure & Crizzly concert, we finally decided to call it a day.

On my way back home traffic lights continued to turn green as soon as I approached them and I am not surprised. Optimist inside me sees hope, like always!

the emails that I never sent

I stand here in this darkness realizing the name "sunshine" was for a reason.  that 30 minute phone call took away the most important thing from me, YOU! Everything changed so quickly around me and I feel stranded, dragged far away from everything.  All that I wanted to say stayed inside me because I just want you to be happy, I just want that smile back on your face, I just want to see that beautiful eyes without any tears in it. Given all the difficulties which I faced throughout my early life, most of which I never told you, I thought I was strong enough to handle this situation but somehow I feel weak day after day.  So when you told me about what you want, I accepted it because it is that attitude that I fell in love with, that attitude which makes you who you are, the will to do "what you think is right".

All I did for the last many months was to keep that smile on your face and when you asked me to walk away, I hope I was able to bring that smile back.  Every part of me want to see that beautiful face, listen to that charming voice but I won't contact you because of the promise I made to you. It's been a crazy last few days - sleepless, anxious, stressed like never before and all that I see around is you, only YOU (you never told me how you spell that magic on me).  I never expected this to happen to me.   I wish you asked me whether there is something that I could do to help with this situation.  I feel like every text, call, email that I receive is from you and that absence is making me hate my phone. Attending random concerts, getting lost among the crowd did help over the last couple of days but I want to figure out a way to cope with the sudden loneliness that I am feeling right now.  I wish life is similar to the 4 AM drive where every signal that you approaches turn green, just like that.

I am going through my day the way I always presented myself to the world, talking around and bringing smile on others through my silly comments and jokes.  I wish someone stopped me, asked me whether everything is alright because all I need right now is one big hug.

I am still waiting even though it spilled out of my mouth first time, I still sincerely love you peach!



11/16/2013

It's about time I wrote my second email to her.  Just like the first one, I have no intention of sending it.  Do I want to send it to her down the line?  Will I send this blog to her in future?  To be frank, I don't have an answer.  I did break my promise and contacted her - Two text messages, first one after knowing that she got in to see her favorite band live (I was all excited to see her update after I made an unsuccessful attempt to get one from the market or from the venue), second for her birthday and third one asking her for few minutes.  I did get a reply on each occasion.  I did send her two messages through Facebook but I didn't get a reply for the video which I made for her birthday or the concert tickets which I bought for her. I don't think it is strange, maybe she want to stick to her decision.  But this snub, I am not sure whether I deserve it. I don't know what conclusion to arrive at.  Given that I completely lost interest in TV, I find myself having a lot of spare time which I am using to go through articles, photographs, books and other informative/interesting aspects of internet.  I am listening to a lot of music these days exploring artists that I used to love before, seen live, heard about or those which my friends follow.. Since the silence evokes the thoughts inside my monkey mind, I keep asking myself a lot of questions and you are the only one who can provide me with answers.. so here you go...

"How are you Sunshine?  Before I started writing this one, I thought of being politically correct but that will defeat my purpose, the main reason why I started writing again.  Please let me open up and speak my heart out, I am just asking only for a few minutes of yours.  Something you haven't given me since last time we spoke.  I keep thinking about our last two conversations.  When you started the conversation that day, I got the impression that something was wrong but not even in my wildest dreams I thought you will drop that bomb on me.  Did I deserve it? I don't know

After that conversation, I was so overwhelmed for the next 24 hours, that I didn't know what to ask you.  What did I do wrong birdie?  Trying to make you laugh was a mistake, wiping out that tear from your eyes was a mistake or is it something else which you never told me?   Why was I left out dear?   You mentioned to me about the discussions that you had with friends, family and others.  Why not with me?  All those friends of yours,who "pretended to be my friends" never bothered to reach out to me and tell me what was going wrong, didn't bother to tell me that you are struggling? Why didn't you discuss about your struggles with me?  I would've helped you, I would've gone to any extend to make things right for you.  All I needed was a word from you which I never heard.  I just want to let you know that this is not plaintive cry to win you back.  Because if you made that decision then whatever I do, it will not be enough.

We never had an argument, never had a fight.  Whenever I started fooling around you, I always knew your tipping point and tried to let you know that it was a joke.  Then why this had to happen to me?  I never wanted to let you know about my troubles, my problems but instead I tried to cheer you up all the time.  Still I find myself in this position, why?  My love for you haven't gone down a bit. I think I love you much more than ever before.  Even though I have no idea about what you are thinking or what you decided, my intention is to have my heart open for you..

I feel like someone held my fingers, took me to the edge of a mountain with a promise to show beautiful sights but instead pushed me into a dark abyss.  What changed between us in few days?  I am feeling lost, lonely with no one to talk to.   Did you ever try to walk in my shoes?  If you did, then you should've asked me "How I am doing?".  Where is your hug when I needed it the most?  I wanted to escape out of this chaos, go back to India and spend some time but, I somehow felt like staying back for few more days was the right decision.  Not for me but for those who entrusted certain responsibilities on me, for those who still believe in me..

But I started to think about going back to India.  My only interest, reason for being in this country was you and when you decided to pull that curtain, a lot of aspects turned dark around me.  I am going for this vacation, for a breather, to find some answers, to find myself again. I sincerely hope you give me a chance, to see your smile, to hear your voice, two weeks from now.  I am sitting here with a pair of concert tickets in my hand, with the hope that you will text or call me.. will you?  I like to think "YES".... I love you peach"

Before I could post this, yesterday she send me a message telling that she wants to meet, talk about some things in person... I am looking forward to have another chat with her but this time around I won't feel like completely lost..  because I already lost myself few weeks back!!!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

that tree

I see this tree everyday and I have noticed the various phases it has gone through.  At the peak of fall season it was glowing with the beautiful red leaves as if telling those passing by "Look at me, Am I beautiful?". In few more days, the remaining bunch of leaves will be gone with just the dry branches left. Then the wait begins for another season to regain its lost glory, to regain that charm which catches everyone's attention..

In someway this tree is a pointer towards the procrastination inside me.  I always wanted to take a snap of it all round the year but I just keep pushing it for the next day even when it was covered by red leaves.  When I took this picture today, I was sad that I missed the glorious days of my favorite tree and I am not sure whether there is another chance.  I truly hope there is one.

I believe this tree also represents the cycle of life.  A point of time where you defeat all the odds, get up on your feet, run along with the world.  Then turning into a big glow before fading away slowly, followed by the wait to start it all over again.  Only difference being the amount of time everyone spend at each phase of this cycle.  Hopefully the happiness phase is longer and the other miserable phase is shorter, as short as possible!