Saturday, October 26, 2013

the emails that I never sent

I stand here in this darkness realizing the name "sunshine" was for a reason.  that 30 minute phone call took away the most important thing from me, YOU! Everything changed so quickly around me and I feel stranded, dragged far away from everything.  All that I wanted to say stayed inside me because I just want you to be happy, I just want that smile back on your face, I just want to see that beautiful eyes without any tears in it. Given all the difficulties which I faced throughout my early life, most of which I never told you, I thought I was strong enough to handle this situation but somehow I feel weak day after day.  So when you told me about what you want, I accepted it because it is that attitude that I fell in love with, that attitude which makes you who you are, the will to do "what you think is right".

All I did for the last many months was to keep that smile on your face and when you asked me to walk away, I hope I was able to bring that smile back.  Every part of me want to see that beautiful face, listen to that charming voice but I won't contact you because of the promise I made to you. It's been a crazy last few days - sleepless, anxious, stressed like never before and all that I see around is you, only YOU (you never told me how you spell that magic on me).  I never expected this to happen to me.   I wish you asked me whether there is something that I could do to help with this situation.  I feel like every text, call, email that I receive is from you and that absence is making me hate my phone. Attending random concerts, getting lost among the crowd did help over the last couple of days but I want to figure out a way to cope with the sudden loneliness that I am feeling right now.  I wish life is similar to the 4 AM drive where every signal that you approaches turn green, just like that.

I am going through my day the way I always presented myself to the world, talking around and bringing smile on others through my silly comments and jokes.  I wish someone stopped me, asked me whether everything is alright because all I need right now is one big hug.

I am still waiting even though it spilled out of my mouth first time, I still sincerely love you peach!


It's about time I wrote my second email to her.  Just like the first one, I have no intention of sending it.  Do I want to send it to her down the line?  Will I send this blog to her in future?  To be frank, I don't have an answer.  I did break my promise and contacted her - Two text messages, first one after knowing that she got in to see her favorite band live (I was all excited to see her update after I made an unsuccessful attempt to get one from the market or from the venue), second for her birthday and third one asking her for few minutes.  I did get a reply on each occasion.  I did send her two messages through Facebook but I didn't get a reply for the video which I made for her birthday or the concert tickets which I bought for her. I don't think it is strange, maybe she want to stick to her decision.  But this snub, I am not sure whether I deserve it. I don't know what conclusion to arrive at.  Given that I completely lost interest in TV, I find myself having a lot of spare time which I am using to go through articles, photographs, books and other informative/interesting aspects of internet.  I am listening to a lot of music these days exploring artists that I used to love before, seen live, heard about or those which my friends follow.. Since the silence evokes the thoughts inside my monkey mind, I keep asking myself a lot of questions and you are the only one who can provide me with answers.. so here you go...

"How are you Sunshine?  Before I started writing this one, I thought of being politically correct but that will defeat my purpose, the main reason why I started writing again.  Please let me open up and speak my heart out, I am just asking only for a few minutes of yours.  Something you haven't given me since last time we spoke.  I keep thinking about our last two conversations.  When you started the conversation that day, I got the impression that something was wrong but not even in my wildest dreams I thought you will drop that bomb on me.  Did I deserve it? I don't know

After that conversation, I was so overwhelmed for the next 24 hours, that I didn't know what to ask you.  What did I do wrong birdie?  Trying to make you laugh was a mistake, wiping out that tear from your eyes was a mistake or is it something else which you never told me?   Why was I left out dear?   You mentioned to me about the discussions that you had with friends, family and others.  Why not with me?  All those friends of yours,who "pretended to be my friends" never bothered to reach out to me and tell me what was going wrong, didn't bother to tell me that you are struggling? Why didn't you discuss about your struggles with me?  I would've helped you, I would've gone to any extend to make things right for you.  All I needed was a word from you which I never heard.  I just want to let you know that this is not plaintive cry to win you back.  Because if you made that decision then whatever I do, it will not be enough.

We never had an argument, never had a fight.  Whenever I started fooling around you, I always knew your tipping point and tried to let you know that it was a joke.  Then why this had to happen to me?  I never wanted to let you know about my troubles, my problems but instead I tried to cheer you up all the time.  Still I find myself in this position, why?  My love for you haven't gone down a bit. I think I love you much more than ever before.  Even though I have no idea about what you are thinking or what you decided, my intention is to have my heart open for you..

I feel like someone held my fingers, took me to the edge of a mountain with a promise to show beautiful sights but instead pushed me into a dark abyss.  What changed between us in few days?  I am feeling lost, lonely with no one to talk to.   Did you ever try to walk in my shoes?  If you did, then you should've asked me "How I am doing?".  Where is your hug when I needed it the most?  I wanted to escape out of this chaos, go back to India and spend some time but, I somehow felt like staying back for few more days was the right decision.  Not for me but for those who entrusted certain responsibilities on me, for those who still believe in me..

But I started to think about going back to India.  My only interest, reason for being in this country was you and when you decided to pull that curtain, a lot of aspects turned dark around me.  I am going for this vacation, for a breather, to find some answers, to find myself again. I sincerely hope you give me a chance, to see your smile, to hear your voice, two weeks from now.  I am sitting here with a pair of concert tickets in my hand, with the hope that you will text or call me.. will you?  I like to think "YES".... I love you peach"

Before I could post this, yesterday she send me a message telling that she wants to meet, talk about some things in person... I am looking forward to have another chat with her but this time around I won't feel like completely lost..  because I already lost myself few weeks back!!!

1 comment:

  1. They say men don't cry. But some men do, For that, one needs to have a tender heart, which is a great thing to have. :) Good writing MC... Get well soon!