Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Struggle to find the right balance

Every day, every hour, every second seems like a constant struggle.  I strangely find myself in a compromising position when I am driving these days.  I am alert than ever before, it is just because there are many thoughts going on in my mind while I am driving. Most of them around the rights and wrongs.   Trying to figure out what went wrong.  I didn't drag myself into this situation.  So the question is around why I am here, what I am doing here, how I will get back to what I used to be?  I don't know an answer but hope to find one down the line.

I was living alone since Dec 2012 and never had any issues with being lonely.  So now the question is around why I suddenly feel that loneliness around me?  What are those factors that used to fill me from inside, which helped me feel so vibrant about everything.  I don't have much difference in my daily routine except for the fact that I lost interest in many things that I used to love.   Long hours in front of TV, watching sitcoms, news, football doesn't exist anymore.

I am searching for other things which will remove that loneliness that I feel inside me.  I am somehow starting to find that young myself who used to dig deep into the pages of any book that he gets hold of.  I am reading a lot these days, a lot of articles, blogs, watching a lot of videos.  Stories inspire me, they tell about situations that I find myself in.   I hear about people who overcame difficulties, who cruised through rough times and found happiness.

I am a believer.  I believe in miracles. I believe certain things will happen to me down the line, maybe it is just about waiting for the right moment.  I am becoming a fan of Albert Camus - I find his quotes inspiring and meaningful.  I love the "absurdism" involved.  Makes me want to know more, read more..

“I had been right, I was still right, I was always right. I had lived my life one way and I could just as well have lived it another. I had done this and I hadn’t done that. I hadn’t done this thing but I had done another. And so?” --Albert Camus, The Stranger

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